(Originally appeared on danieljhogan.com)
Photo by Stephanie.
[dc]S[/dc]tephanie has a new fuzzy companion besides my back and shoulders¹, her new pet degu, Cosmo².
Now, to play Jack Hanna for a moment (sans khaki). A degu is a Chilean rodent—sort of like a poor man’s Chinchilla. Or, as Steph likes to say, “If a hamster, a rat and a Chinchilla had a baby.” She may even have thrown raccoon in there too. Regardless, Cosmo has plenty of what experts call, Cute.
What makes a degu a rather fun pet is they are, unlike hamsters, very social. At this point, after hours spent bribing Cosmo with oats, he will happily hop into Steph’s hands and hang out. Cosmo is a far cry from Steph’s late hamster, Melon, who wanted nothing to do with her.
The biggest change for me is getting re-accustomed to Steph talking to someone else while I am visiting. Her cooing whispers of “Who’s a pretty boy?” are no longer merely directed at me. My fragile ego is having difficulty adjusting.
The worst of it came over the weekend. After dinner, Steph said, “Are you fat? Or are you just growing up?”
I was nearly in tears before I realized she was addressing Cosmo. To add salt to the wound, this happened only a few hours after my unsuccessful attempt to buy a new pair of jeans. Trying on jeans immediately after the holidays is not the best thing for one’s self-esteem.
I think the jeans people (“Big Denim”) change the sizes every few months. Sure, it may have said 32, but it didn’t fit like the 32s I wore to the store. They are, of course, in cahoots with the weight loss/gym cabal (“Big Skinny”).
Think about it: Big Denim alters the jeans sizes, a rube (Me), believes they have gained a few extra pounds, and then thinks “Dang! I better get to the gym!” and Big Skinny benefits. Then, after a few months of weight loss meetings and gym memberships, said rube (Me), buys a NEW pair of jeans.
One hand washes the other. It all makes so much sense (…or rather, cents?). Wake up, Sheeple!
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¹ During the Summer, when I am clad in a tank top and shorts, I am often confused for a werewolf, or a short Bigfoot.
² From “Cosmos.” Steph is a fan of NASA, science fiction and Outer Space. I have yet to find out her feelings on Innerspace, however.
Daniel J. Hogan ‘s shoulders and back are often confused for rodents. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.
