(originally appeared on danieljhogan.com)
In a way, a relationship is like a chicken pot pie.
Both benefit from the quality of ingredients used in their making.
I thought about this over a room temperature chicken pot pie at a restaurant last month. It was the day after Christmas, and I was unwinding after the usual holiday-insanity, which had me visit eight different locations between Eaton Rapids and Detroit in 48 hours. I was spent like an unpaid intern during the New Hampshire primary.
Which brought me to the restaurant and the less than hot chicken pot pie. I figured a hearty lunch would help recharge the batteries. As would be expected on Dec. 26th, the place was a ghost town, and it was closing in about an hour. I was one of only three patrons. This caused the staff behind the counter, a man and a woman, to drop their guard when it came to chatting.
The conversation was on the woman being in a new relationship, or not. Her co-worker asked about her liaisons, or if you prefer the Oxford Dictionary term, “booty calls.”
“I haven’t slept with anyone else in five months,” she said as she cleaned the counter.
Her co-worker shrugged as he counted the money in his register, “That sounds like a relationship to me.”
There are perhaps other signs too, which means it is time for You Might Be in a Relationship If:
- You stop selling your partner’s anti-depressants in the Denny’s parking lot.
- You ask for photos of your partner’s face.
- Your partner names a Final Fantasy VII character after you.
- Your partner only shoots you once.
- You mention your partner on your podcast.
- You show your partner photos of your real family, instead of the photos that came with the frames.
- During a weekend getaway, you don’t wake up in a motel bathtub missing a kidney.¹
- You no longer list your partner as collateral.
- You answer the phone with “Hi!” instead of, “I need a favor.”
- You no longer care that your partner doesn’t have the same blood type.
- And finally, Your partner acts as inspiration for a character² in your self-published, My Little Pony fan-fiction novel, Relationships are Magic: Adventures in Mor-Thanfriendsia.
¹ Which at the worst can only happen twice. Look on the bright side.
² I’ll let you think up the cutie mark for this one.