(originally appeared on themanupmag.com¹)
June is here and Summer is at last upon us like stripes on an okapi (it’s a thing, trust me).
And with Summer comes on of my favorite seasonal treats—no, not beer—ice cream.
Unlike beer, which can be savored year round, ice cream is best enjoyed during our “three months of bad sledding” here in Michigan: June, July, and August. I hear though, if you live in our beautiful Upper Peninsula that number gets cut down to one. Bummer—guess that’s the trade off for having all those fancy waterfalls.
Back to the ice cream—there are those who believe vanilla is the One True Flavor, and everything else is a bastardized derivative–sort of like the how Wings sprang from the Beatles. Just as Band on the Run has it moments, the other colors of the “flavor rainbow” have theirs.
And I savor every single one. Except for Jet.
What phrase do we use to describe something boring and plain? (Besides boring and plain, that is) Vanilla. “He’s so vanilla,” I know I’ve been called that—how ‘bout you? (Put your hand down, Vanilla Ice)
Forget Vanilla. Gimme Mint Chocolate Chip any day. Now there’s a guy I wanna hang out with. No one uses Mint Chocolate Chip as a negative adjective. It would most likely lead to bouts of confusion.
Man: “I’d totally vote for that candidate, but he’s so…Mint Chocolate Chip.”
Woman: “…did you forget to take your pills today?”
Man: “That’s besides the point.”
Now, let’s insert Vanilla into this scenario:
Man: “I’d totally vote for that candidate, but he’s so…Vanilla.”
Woman: “You said it! He makes Newt Gingrich look like Flavor Flav. By the way, did you take your pills today?”
Man: “Dolphin shoes!”
If anything, we should use Mint Chocolate Chip to describe something AMAZING. It can be the opposite of Vanilla.
Man: “I’ll totally vote for that candidate in September—he’s so Mint Chocolate Chip!”
Woman: “Word! He’s great. His plans to fix Stuff and Things are inspired and original. By the way, the election is in November.”
Man: “I can’t wait that long! He’s so MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP! Democracy lives within me, and it I must let it loose!”
Woman: “Are you drunk?”
Man: “Only a little.”
Another favorite is the azure flavor explosion called Blue Moon. This is a summer time favorite.
Why? Because I pretend it is made of Smurfs. Wait. No. I’m joking.
Why would I dream of eating those cute, tasty, blue imps? Sure, there is some belief that eating Smurfs helps cheat death, or that their blood can be used to turn metal to gold, but I gave that up after it didn’t work.
Affiliate Shout-out: Shop on Amazon and help support Clattertron.
¹ This was a monthly humor column I used to do for an online magazine. The site does not update any more.
Daniel J. Hogan swears he doesn’t own any Smurf cookbooks. Anymore. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.