The NHL Lockout is upon us, yes again, and what is a fan to do?
To help combat my feelings of doom, I came up with a list of stuff to keep my hockey-addled mind busy.
Perform Slap Shot!: A One Person Show – Now, many hockey fans have most lines from Slap Shot memorized, but I’m talking about every line. Use this skill to perform a one person show of Slap Shot. Bonus Points: use puppets.
Rename the different Civilization Leaders in Civilization 5 after NHL owners or NHLPA Members – Here’s a way to role play a bit. Rename your character in Civilization 5 ‘NHLPA’ or Donald Fehr, and go after each owner. Or, if you side with the owners, rename the leaders after players. Watch out for atomic bombs and bad trades [insert Phil Kessel trade joke].
Play a season on every year of EA Sports’ NHL series – Dig up a copy of every single year of EA’s NHL series, and play a season. Good luck finding all the years though, I went to my local used game last week and it had nearly been cleaned out. I did get NHL 07 for 89 cents though.
Create teams on NHL video games with players named after literary, historical, or fictional figures – Go ‘create a player’ crazy. All I can say is, Herman Melville: a monster in the net. Jokey Smurf can lay the body, but not like Andrew Jackson. Watch out for that guy (cheap shot artist). Laugh whenever Jacques Cousteau gets called for diving (…Oh man. I’m sorry).
Write Mighty Ducks Fan Fiction – The crazier, the better. What would happen if the kids from the Mighty Ducks had to play against a team of vampires? HILARITY. It would obviously be a night game, and to keep with film canon, they would have to be Icelandic vampires. The kids gain an advantage when they learn how to make a puck out of frozen garlic. Money line: team captain says, “Suck on this!” and fires a garlic-powered slap shot through the chest of a vampire goalie.
Write a Sudden Death Sequel (Sudden Death 2: Final Buzzer) – Jean-Claude Van Damme’s impromptu goaltending in the first film caught the eye of a scout, and he gets signed to a try-out contract. But: on the night of Van Damme’s first game, pirates attack. Why pirates? Because the game is played outside, ON AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
Reboot the Movie Face-Off, But Make It About Hockey Players – Simple: Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby trade faces.
Replace Fantasy Hockey With Fantasy [Fill in the Blank] – Maybe, Fantasy Mail Carriers? Aw man, my mail carrier had six deliveries yesterday. His stats on Saturday are terrible though. Good thing this isn’t a keeper league. Or better yet, Fantasy Pizza Dudes. Points are awarded based on the length of a Pizza Dude’s Delivery Attack Zone Time (shorter = better, like characters in Game of Thrones).
Make Furniture Out of Hockey Equipment - Exhibit A: the hockey stick lamp.
Explain the Lockout to Your Non-hockey Fan Friends – This could take the entire length of the lockout, so you have plenty of time. Draw up some charts if you can. Use small words, and try to throw in football or baseball metaphors when possible. I wrote a long-winded, rambling, semi-serious piece for The Idler, if you are feeling brave.
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