Amazon Enigmas: Behold the Horror of Halloween Dog Costumes
As Halloween nears, pet owners have an important question to ask: how much do they want to embarrass their beloved pets?
Answer: A lot.
Pet parents wishing to costume their furry charges are in luck—Amazon has plenty of outfits, much of which fall under one category: Nightmare Fuel.
Yes, as the above photo suggests, it is possible to dress your dog up as some deranged dog-raptor chimaera, like something out of a Dali fever dream. Still, at least your dearest doggie will look better than the special effects in Carnosaur.
Then there are the ‘saddle and rider’ models. Strap a tiny saddle to the back of your four legged companion for hours of concerned stares and hushed voices by your neighbors. Get some snacks ready, because you will have people stopping by just to ask, “Is everything OK?” in no time at all.
Now, this scratches my fantasy itch (which my doctor assures me will clear up soon). Makes me want to shoot my own version of Lord of the Rings, but with dogs. Actually, I heard a rumor of a scratched Roger Corman production which made use of this very special effect. Or maybe that was just the voices in my head.
Let’s say you want to take the pet costume thing in a different direction. Dressing up a dog as a stegosaurus is so last year. This Halloween, you want to freak people right out of their respective gourds. Might I suggest, the ‘dog’s head on a little body’ range of costumes? Set phasers to FREAK OUT.
I can still see it when I close my eyes.
This is some meta stuff right here. Dr. Henry Jones, Jr. took his ‘Indiana’ name from the family pooch (as Sallah famously says in Last Crusade: “You were named after THE DOG?!”). Here, we have a dog dressed up as Indiana Jones. A dog dressed up as a guy, named after a dog. This is like an Escher painting made flesh. Excuse me while my head explodes.
Speaking of meta, here is Dorthy (of Oz, not Cheboygan).
Does this costumes represents some manner of alternate universe, where dogs evolved to a hominid species? Does this mean Doggy Dorthy has, gasp, a tiny homo sapien Toto scurrying after her on all fours? (Not unlike Howie Mandel in Walk Like a Man)
I can’t handle this, I really can’t. Someone save me. Anyone!
Oh, good, Batman, can you…WAIT. Oh God. If there is a Batdog, does that mean…
These costumes make me think this must be what it is like to do hard drugs, or be on whatever it is they give audiences at political party conventions.
I shall never sleep again. These images will haunt my dreams. I need a palate cleanser.
A hot dog dog costume. That is more like it, and with mustard to boot (there is one with ketchup, but that’s just silly). Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to glue the shattered pieces of my sanity back together.
Affiliate Plug: Dog Halloween Costumes on Amazon
Daniel J. Hogan is a geeky cartoonist and writer living in Michigan. Daniel is available for freelance writing and cartooning commissions (Contact Daniel). This post contains affiliate links, unless it doesn't.