As Halloween nears, pet owners have an important question to ask: how much do they want to embarrass their beloved pets?

Answer: A lot.

dog raptor halloween costume.

Warning: causes a dog to test invisible fences for a weakness. THEY REMEMBER. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.

Pet parents wishing to costume their furry charges are in luck—Amazon has plenty of outfits, much of which fall under one category: Nightmare Fuel.

Yes, as the above photo suggests, it is possible to dress your dog up as some deranged dog-raptor chimaera, like something out of a Dali fever dream. Still, at least your dearest doggie will look better than the special effects in Carnosaur.

Then there are the ‘saddle and rider’ models. Strap a tiny saddle to the back of your four legged companion for hours of concerned stares and hushed voices by your neighbors. Get some snacks ready, because you will have people stopping by just to ask, “Is everything OK?” in no time at all.

headless horse man dog costume.

From a lost episode of David the Gnome. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.


Taking things one step further than the tiny Headless Horseman, is the Goblin Rider.

goblin rider dog costume on amazon

A sorry replacement for a warg. Far too cute. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.

Now, this scratches my fantasy itch (which my doctor assures me will clear up soon). Makes me want to shoot my own version of Lord of the Rings, but with dogs. Actually, I heard a rumor of a scratched Roger Corman production which made use of this very special effect. Or maybe that was just the voices in my head.

Let’s say you want to take the pet costume thing in a different direction. Dressing up a dog as a stegosaurus is so last year. This Halloween, you want to freak people right out of their respective gourds. Might I suggest, the ‘dog’s head on a little body’ range of costumes? Set phasers to FREAK OUT.

wonder woman dog costume on amazon

This costume doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination. And I wish it did. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.

I can still see it when I close my eyes.

Indiana jones dog costume on amazon.

“Vacuum cleaners. Why did it have to be vacuum cleaners?” Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.

This is some meta stuff right here. Dr. Henry Jones, Jr. took his ‘Indiana’ name from the family pooch (as Sallah famously says in Last Crusade: “You were named after THE DOG?!”). Here, we have a dog dressed up as Indiana Jones. A dog dressed up as a guy, named after a dog. This is like an Escher painting made flesh. Excuse me while my head explodes.

Speaking of meta, here is Dorthy (of Oz, not Cheboygan).

dorthy of oz dog costume amazon

Put an action figure in her basket to be the ‘toto sapien.’ Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.

Does this costumes represents some manner of alternate universe, where dogs evolved to a hominid species? Does this mean Doggy Dorthy has, gasp, a tiny homo sapien Toto scurrying after her on all fours? (Not unlike Howie Mandel in Walk Like a Man)

I can’t handle this, I really can’t. Someone save me. Anyone!

batman dog costume on amazon.

By day, Pooch Wayne, billionaire play dog and destroyer of rugs. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.

Oh, good, Batman, can you…WAIT. Oh God. If there is a Batdog, does that mean…

Joker dark knight dog costume on amazon.

Why so Canis lupus familiaris?” I will go sit in the corner. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.

 A Joker dog–who actually has the Heath Ledger smirk down pretty good.

These costumes make me think this must be what it is like to do hard drugs, or be on whatever it is they give audiences at political party conventions.

I shall never sleep again. These images will haunt my dreams. I need a palate cleanser.

hot dog dog halloween costume on Amazon.

Yo dog, I heard you like dogs, so I put your dog in a dog, so you can look at a dog when you look at your dog. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.

YES.

A hot dog dog costume. That is more like it, and with mustard to boot (there is one with ketchup, but that’s just silly). Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to glue the shattered pieces of my sanity back together.

Today’s Amazon Deals and ThinkGeek Deals
Affiliate Plug: Dog Halloween Costumes on Amazon
Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items.

subscribe to the clattertron email newsletter


Want Clattertron Prints and Merch? Buy my prints, mugs, phone cases, pillows, and tote bags on Society6.

-
Daniel J. Hogan is a geek living in Michigan.
Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan. Follow Clattertron on Facebook too.