Amazon Enigmas: Have a Magical Halloween, Dress Yourself as a Unicorn
Ah, the unicorn. That most majestic of animals, save for perhaps the platypus.
Legend has it, a unicorn’s horn holds many magical powers and the beast can only be captured with the aid of a virgin–by coaxing a unicorn to lay its magical head in (historically) her lap.
There is nothing at all Freudian about that concept, right?
Although, my Beast Master’s Guide insists unicorns predate Sigmund Freud by at least ten years. So, rather than being Freudian, the idea of a beast with a long horn being trapped by a comely virgin is just plain o’ metaphorical.
Or is it allegorical?
Regardless of whatever -orical it might be, if one wishes to festoon themselves with the likeness of a unicorn this Halloween, Amazon has several options.
And they are all crazy. Crazy, AMAZING.¹
For starters, we have this inflatable unicorn horn. What red-blooded young man wouldn’t want one of these affixed to their cranium? It claims to be 11” long when inflated. I’ll let you write your own joke there, but for the sake of the children, church it up.
Ladies, if you are feeling left out, well fear not. Amazon has not forsaken you.
How about a nice, super-hip latex unicorn horn this Halloween? It even comes with make-up suggestions! You will be happy to know, this horn comes pre-painted. Finally. And after all those nights I spent at home painting my own horn.
If you are more of a mask fan (the kind you wear, not the Mobile Armored Strike Kommand toys²), check out this unicorn mask.
Sorry for the small photo. But, near as I can figure, it is a sister-mask to the infamous horse head mask that became an Internet darling some time ago.
So, just picture this, but all white, with a long horn glued ‘tween the eyes. My favorite part of the unicorn mask? The product description lists it as ‘Vaguely disturbing.’ Word, brah. Word.
Last, but never least, don’t forget about your favorite furball this Halloween. No, not me. I mean the family cat. Yes. There is an inflatable unicorn horn for your cat. Oh my, yes.
As the box says, ‘Cats love it!’ and the model photo would not suggest otherwise.
There you have it. If you wish to dress as a unicorn, or perhaps even Uni-Baby from Axe Cop, Amazon has options. I’m not saying these options will let you stay at most Halloween parties, but they will certainly get people talking.
Especially if you show up carrying a unicat. Now that’s my kind of party.
Canned Unicorn Meat on ThinkGeek
¹ Unrelated, but I can’t remember if I took my pills this morning.
² Yep. That is Command with a K.
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Daniel J. Hogan is a geeky cartoonist and writer living in Michigan. Daniel is available for freelance writing and cartooning commissions (Contact Daniel). This post contains affiliate links, unless it doesn't.