Many wonderful floats graced this year’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, but what about the floats that didn’t make the cut?
Luckily, an inter-office memo on that very subject leaked to the public.
Well, it wasn’t leaked so much as it was found in the jacket pocket of a body in the mall’s Black Friday corpse pile.
From: Rutherford Van Krabhaus, Thanksgiving Day Parade Quality Control
To: Parade Implementation Management Personnel Sections
Subject: Rejected Thanksgiving Day Parade Floats
Here is the list of rejected floats for next week’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The names of the floats follow, along with my notes.
A Salute to the Archimedes Screw – This float is FAR too suggestive. Think of the questions fathers will have to answer. I shudder at the thought.
An Ancient Aliens Thanksgiving – I refuse to give credence to the belief that such unkempt hair and beards are socially acceptable. This isn’t a Sha Na Na concert, this is a Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Scenes from 50 Shades of Grey – This is a family event, but more importantly the plans for this float would cause an immediate handcuff shortage in the tri-city area.
Vehicle Force Voltron Balloon – My unpaid intern told me this cartoon was a veiled attempt at brainwashing American children into buying imported vehicles. Our city had many American car plants 40 years ago, and I can’t disgrace the honor of those abandoned buildings. My unpaid intern also informs me Vehicle Force Voltron ‘sucks,’ all the more reason not to include it–what would our local vacuum cleaner manufacturers think?
The National Hockey League “Lockout Free for Eight Years and Counting!” – Perhaps the league can try again when they finally have a season in 2019. Or, maybe by then, what little fans the NHL did have, will move on to the one true sport: giraffe polo.
Winnie the Pooh and Friends – None of these characters wear pants. This is not suitable for a Thanksgiving Day Parade. All characters must wear shorts or better.
Angry Birds Balloons – Avian species with anger management issues do not set a good example for the children watching our Thanksgiving Day Parade. And their hatred of ‘pigs’? A lengthy Giggle search by my other unpaid intern suggests this might be a subversive message about police officers or authority figures.
Call Me Maybe Sing Along Float – We cannot be seen as an advocate of being cavalier about giving out one’s home telephone number. The last time I did such a thing, inquires about the operating condition of my refrigerator and incorrect correspondence for one Ian Patrick Daily plagued my telephone.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Float – Talking ponies who don’t wear pants? Unacceptable. Doubly so because none of the female characters wear a shirt, or even a brassiere. And what is with the male ponies being used as beasts of burden? I don’t get this show. I had to stop watching after 13 episodes.
Rebecca Black singing Friday – No.
A Tumblr Thanksgiving – I shall not be responsible for advocating the use of incorrect spelling. The only ‘tumblr’ I care about happens to be spelled with an -ER and is full of Scotch and tequila.
Larry the Cable Guy – My unpaid investigator informed me that this gentleman is not in the employ of the local cable television franchise. I cannot allow another imposter in our Thanksgiving Day Parade, not after last year’s Captain Crunch fiasco. I should have known better than to trust a seaman who prefers to spell his rank as Cap’n.
Moby Dick Balloon – Captain Ahab’s peg leg is just TOO suggestive.
Game of Thrones – A beheading. A stream of blood. A large, blood-stained sword. All of these are fine, but their float is three inches longer than the allowed size. Denied.
In closing, make sure to clean out your desks once the parade activities end. You are all being replaced by unpaid interns come Monday.
And I counted all the pens in the supply closet.
Daniel J. Hogan would only allow ALF themed floats in a Thanksgiving Day Parade, but then it would probably be a Fappiano parade. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan.