Thanksgiving has come and gone, and that means it is time to put up Christmas decorations.
Yes, pull down those turkeys and cornucopia, and staple blinking lights and red velvet to every surface. And when you finish with that, dig out your Christmas decorations. Start things off with the most important room in the house, the bathroom.
Shown above, we have a Santa Claus toilet Christmas decoration set. This could cause some confusion for Christmas party guests, given that it implies doing one’s business in, ahem, Santa’s mouth. Good thing I only decorate my toilet with turkey tattoos.
How about this Santa Claus tablecloth? This interesting Christmas decoration suggests someone hunted down Old Saint Nick and made him into a tablecloth. Spin a yarn for your guests about how you tracked Santa from rooftop to rooftop, and dropped him with a well-placed shot to the brain pan. When your guests ask why you did such a thing, take a drag on your cigarette and with a slow exhale of smoke, answer, “Because I could.”
If you can’t afford a fire, you can get the next best thing: a cardboard brick fireplace. It’ll look great next to your piles of NASCAR t-shirts and light beer can pyramids. And after making a few more pyramids, pretending there is a roaring fire in front of you is that much easier.
Three-dimensional Christmas trees cannot be trusted. What with the tipping, the swaying, and the falling over. Thinking about all those axes in the other room keeps me up all night. Good thing I can get a flat, wall hanging Christmas tree to decorate my wall. This time, I won’t get yelled at for stapling the Christmas tree to the wall. Finally.
I don’t have any windows (they cost extra), but if I did, I would consider purchasing this Santa Claus window camouflage. The one problem with windows is, they work both ways: you can see out, but folks outside can see in too. Thankfully, we have Santa Claus window camouflage on our side. Now, the neighbors will be too focused on the unmoving jolly man, to worry about my night screams.
Animals knocking over a Christmas tree, or breaking Christmas decorations is always a problem during the holiday season, or any season. There is a solution: this automatic pet deterrent spray. Obviously, the bottle contains a weaponized shaming agent, perhaps made from dehydrated guilt trips and distilled phone calls from mothers, and forces the target animal to question its life choices.
At least that’s what I got from the box art.
Affiliate Plug: Christmas decorations on Amazon
Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items. Images lead to the item’s page on Amazon. Want Clattertron Prints and Merch? Buy my prints, mugs, phone cases, pillows, and tote bags on Society6.
- Daniel J. Hogan is a geek living in Michigan. Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan. Follow Clattertron on Facebook too.