Thanksgiving has come and gone, and that means it is time to put up Christmas decorations.

santa toilet christmas decoration on amazon

I think I’ll wait until I get home. Image via Amazon.

Yes, pull down those turkeys and cornucopia, and staple blinking lights and red velvet to every surface. And when you finish with that, dig out your Christmas decorations. Start things off with the most important room in the house, the bathroom.

Shown above, we have a Santa Claus toilet Christmas decoration set. This could cause some confusion for Christmas party guests, given that it implies doing one’s business in, ahem, Santa’s mouth. Good thing I only decorate my toilet with turkey tattoos.

santa claus table cloth christmas decoration on amazon

You should see what I did with his beard. Image via Amazon.

How about this Santa Claus tablecloth? This interesting Christmas decoration suggests someone hunted down Old Saint Nick and made him into a tablecloth. Spin a yarn for your guests about how you tracked Santa from rooftop to rooftop, and dropped him with a well-placed shot to the brain pan. When your guests ask why you did such a thing, take a drag on your cigarette and with a slow exhale of smoke, answer, “Because I could.”

cardboard fireplace christmas decoration on Amazon.

This is worse than the cardboard family I bought last year. Image via Amazon.

If you can’t afford a fire, you can get the next best thing: a cardboard brick fireplace. It’ll look great next to your piles of NASCAR t-shirts and light beer can pyramids. And after making a few more pyramids, pretending there is a roaring fire in front of you is that much easier.

christmas tree wall hanging christmas decoration on amazon.

Play ‘pin the ornament on the tree.’ Image via Amazon.

Three-dimensional Christmas trees cannot be trusted. What with the tipping, the swaying, and the falling over. Thinking about all those axes in the other room keeps me up all night. Good thing I can get a flat, wall hanging Christmas tree to decorate my wall. This time, I won’t get yelled at for stapling the Christmas tree to the wall. Finally.

santa claus christmas window decoration on amazon.

“…Join us…” Image via Amazon.

I don’t have any windows (they cost extra), but if I did, I would consider purchasing this Santa Claus window camouflage. The one problem with windows is, they work both ways: you can see out, but folks outside can see in too. Thankfully, we have Santa Claus window camouflage on our side. Now, the neighbors will be too focused on the unmoving jolly man, to worry about my night screams.

spray to keep pets away from christmas decorations on amazon

Does it work on okapi? Image via Amazon.

Animals knocking over a Christmas tree, or breaking Christmas decorations is always a problem during the holiday season, or any season. There is a solution: this automatic pet deterrent spray. Obviously, the bottle contains a weaponized shaming agent, perhaps made from dehydrated guilt trips and distilled phone calls from mothers, and forces the target animal to question its life choices.

At least that’s what I got from the box art.

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Affiliate Plug: Christmas decorations on Amazon

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Daniel J. Hogan is a geeky cartoonist and writer living in Michigan. Daniel is available for freelance writing and cartooning commissions (Contact Daniel). This post contains affiliate links, unless it doesn't.

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