One of my biggest fears is having a boring living room.

How dreadful, what would the neighbors think, and so on.

If I ever get around to inviting friends over, I want them to think did he stop taking his pills?, this guy has Excitement’s number. Sure, a life-size Yeti statue might be Good Enough for most, but not for me. Even though I love the Yeti statue, it left my living room feeling a bit…unbalanced.

Good thing I can get a Parasaurolophus statue on Amazon (thanks to Rick B for the link).

dinosaur statue on amazon.

I’ll name it Mr. Pickles. Image via Amazon and © original source.

A steal at only $2,750, this sweet baby is the perfect addition to any living room, front yard, or insanity plea. Plus, that crazy head makes for a good scarf holder, which is reason enough to pick one up. (images link to product pages on Amazon)

Remember fellas: Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and nothing says “Be Mine” like a life-size statue of an extinct animal (or dinner at White Castle. Either is good.)

ladybugs for sale

Why not. Image via Amazon and © original source.

If you miss the pitter-patter of little feet around your home (or in my case, inside my head), Amazon has a great solution: a bucket of live ladybugs. Yes. 1500 ladybugs, actually—and for only $3.95. That’s ::takes off typing gloves and shoes, counts:: only 0.0026 cents per ladybug!

Good news too: these ladybugs only eat other insects. This is a lot better than the batch of Mongolian Death Worms I ordered.

Sigma 200-500mm f/2.8 APO EX DG

I’m sure that is how it works. Image via Amazon and © original source.

Fellow shutterbugs, look no further for your next lens. Behold, the ::deep breath:: Sigma 200-500mm f/2.8 APO EX DG Ultra-Telephoto Zoom Lens (Thanks to Chris I for the link). The lens is available for Canon or Nikon cameras, huzzah. Now, this lens makes a statement, AMIRIGHT? Anyone lugging this baby around takes their photographin’ super-duper-seriously. No Instragramin’ here. No sir, not when you can Sigmagram the freakin’ moon.

Don’t let the $25,999 price tag scare you away either: people will crawl over broken glass to buy the photos you take with this camera lens. I’m positive.

One snag: the Sigma Ultra-Telephoto Zoom Lens is out of stock. What the hell? I have photos of sandwiches in the next county I need to take. Get on it, Amazon: I haven’t uploaded a photo of my cat in, like, three hours.

iphone brass knuckles

Tumblr? More like Punchr. Image via Amazon and © original source.

Let’s get serious for a moment. I’m talking after school special serious.

There comes a time when you need to protect yourself: walking home at night alone, making fun of college football fans on Saturdays, waiting in line at Wal-Mart on Black Friday, etc. Don’t get caught defenseless, pick up the LolliMobile Knuckle Case for iPhone. Don’t just update your Facebook status, update somebody’s face with this defensive gadget. Your attacker won’t have to worry about Angry Birds, but your Angry Fists. Plus, with the Knuckle Case’s handsome gold finish: be stylish and protect yourself. What more could you want?

batman gauntlet gloves on amazon

Butler and dead parents sold separately. Image via Amazon and © original source.

I’m getting married soon, and I’m on the hunt for a classy pair of cufflinks, or at least some wedding flair. So, I was happier than the Dowager Countess of Grantham at a sarcasm convention when I saw these Dark Knight Arm Gauntlets. Yes, these gauntlets look very similar to what the Batman wears and like any good Bat-ccessory, they come in black. Plaid would be nice, you know for a change of pace, but black will do just fine.

Now, if I can actually get away with wearing these to the wedding is the big question. Not much gets past the eyes of the future Mrs. J. Hogan—which is why I plan to distract her with the Parasaurolophus statue.

Affiliate Shout-out: Today’s Gold Box and Lightning Deals on Amazon

Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items. Images lead to the item’s page on Amazon.

Like my free comics and blog posts? Become a Patreon patron for as little as $1/month to get rewards and more content! clattertron patreon page
Daniel J. Hogan is a geeky cartoonist and writer living in Michigan. Daniel is available for freelance writing and cartooning commissions (Contact Daniel). This post contains affiliate links, unless it doesn't.