Heads up. Valentine’s Day is next week–have you bought any gifts yet?

Sure, our significant others shame us into buying gifts every year, but that doesn’t mean there is cause for dread. Have fun. Be creative. Other marketing terms. And so on. If you are struggling with what to give your prison penpal true love this Valentine’s Day, Amazon has a few interesting options.

gold rose valentine's day gift

One please. Image via Amazon and © original source.

Flowers are always a great standby for Valentine’s Day, but let’s be honest: watching cut flowers slowly fade, wither, and die is all kinds of depressing. Why give someone a reminder of their vanishing mortality? This Valentine’s Day, give the gift of a 24K 10-Inch Gold Foil Rose. Not only is it gold, but it lasts FOREVER. Skip the harvested dying flower this year, and get something that will last longer than the entire run of The Simpsons.

usb flowers

You light up my…uh…WACOM tablet. Sure. Image via Amazon and © original source.

If you prefer to mix pretty with practical when it comes to Valentine’s Day gifts, here is another type of flower. The Kikkerland USB Flower Hub not only looks cute, but it lets you connect four different gadgets to a computer (or in some situations, a robot butler). No wilting or dying here either—and you can use it to recharge an iPod. Your loved one will think of you every time they back up files to a thumb drive or erase embarrassing photos off their phone’s SD card.

duct tape roses

They smell like grandpa. Image via Amazon and © original source.

Don’t believe the lies about men not enjoying flowers. Guys like getting flowers as much as the ladies—especially Duct Tape Roses. I’m sure Red Green would approve. These babies will look great tied to a six-pack of beer or a VHS tape of hockey fights.

belt sander valentines day gift

Does it come in black? Image via Amazon and © original source.

Speaking of the guys: Ladies, if’n you ever wanted to get the Valentine’s Day gift to end all other gifts, here you go: a 43-Inch Three Phase Wide-belt Sander. He will love you forever after unwrapping all 3,955 pounds of this belt sander. If the man in your life—or lady—has plenty of sanding to do, this is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. It’s only $16,899.00 and has free shipping. Think of how many White Castle burgers you can buy with the cash you save on shipping.

valentines day chocolate

Just pour it in my mouth. Image via Amazon and © original source.

Looking for a Valentine’s Day surprise for your favorite chocolate fan? Do you like to buy in bulk? How about 33 pounds of Raw Organic Cacao Nibs? At $295 (not counting $40.75 for shipping) that’s just over $8.90 a pound. What a bargain…I think. Plus, they are raw AND organic—two buzzwords every foodie loves to hear (…unless followed by dolphin blood, I guess).

inflatable love seat

Leave your knives in the kitchen. Image via Amazon and © original source.

Valentine’s Day is about more than just gifts (but not by much). Spending time with the one you love is the key to a happy Valentine’s Day, and what better way to share some cuddles than with this Inflatable Zebra Love Seat. Now, you can get cozy anywhere—even at a GWAR concert (it is waterproof). Cuddle on the go, which is all the rage in our on-the-go society. Why cuddle at home, when you can cuddle outside your favorite coffee shop on an inflatable love seat? (and use said coffee shop’s free wi-fi).

Don’t wait unit the last-minute, because not everyone is OK with gifts from the bus station’s lost and found. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.

Affiliate Shout-out: Today’s Gold Box and Lightning Deals on Amazon

Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items. Images lead to the item’s page on Amazon.

subscribe to the clattertron email newsletter

Want Clattertron Prints and Merch? Buy my prints, mugs, phone cases, pillows, and tote bags on Society6.

Daniel J. Hogan is a geek living in Michigan.
Follow him on Twitter, @danieljhogan. Follow Clattertron on Facebook too.