Amazon Enigmas: Justin Bieber Bonanza
Everyone loves Justin Bieber (+ or – 98.799%). My three-second long Internet research tells me that the Biebs has a dedicated cult following. Which is great. I couldn’t
waste spend any more time researching Bieber’s fan base, as Angry Birds Star Wars is keeping me busy.
Perhaps some day, Justin Bieber will break into the mainstream, and match the success of Sugar Ray’s Every Morning.
For those few, fiercely loyal Justin Bieber fans wanting to show their Bieber Fever off to the world, read on. Amazon has a cache of wacky…I mean, classy…items bearing the likeness of Canada’s second greatest export (the first being Rocket Robin Hood).
Fans eager to prove their Bieber Fever can hold something together, look no further than this roll of Justin Bieber Ducktape. Yes, every inch of this 10 yards of duct tape bears the likeness of His Royal Bieberness. Perfect for patching rust holes on your 1989 Pontiac Sunbird, wrapping Easter eggs, or making a stylish form-fitting dress. I only hope this sells better than the ill-conceived Hot Chocolate Crazy Glue.
I’m a strong believer in thinking two moves ahead, but even I feel this Mrs. Bieber button might be a bit much. Sure, it is great to think positive, but there is only so much Justin Bieber to go around. However, if a young (or even old) woman wishes to tie her life to Justin’s, who am I to judge? Plus, this pin only costs one cent (and $4.99 shipping and handling). Follow your dreams and work hard, kids. It certainly worked out well for Lance Armstrong.
It is no secret I’m a believer in good dental hygiene. So, I’m all for this Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush. At least in theory. If it gets kids (the human kind, not the goat kind) to spend more time brushing properly, then where’s the harm? For those concerned about such an investment, don’t worry: this toothbrush features replaceable heads. Now, if only the same was true about Congress.¹
Keeping with the dental theme, we have 55 Yards of Justin Bieber Mint Floss. Finally. I’m tired of only getting 53 yards when I buy my Bananarama Mint Floss. The outrage! A man cannot live on 53 yards of floss alone. I read that somewhere. Or my cat said so.
If covering your walls in Justin Bieber duct tape doesn’t
scream for help showcase your love enough, there is another option. Let the social workers know just how you feel about Justin Bieber’s oeuvre with a This Room Belongs to a Beliber wall art. Perfect for the times when the framed printed-out-72-dots-per-inch-8×10-JPGs you found on Google Image Search just won’t do the trick.
Now, here comes the crown jewel: a life-size Justin Bieber Standup. Take Justin with you to work, school, or the neighborhood tractor pull. The Biebs can keep you company in the carpool lane, scare away nosy neighbors, and co-sign on a boat loan. Heck, send Justin to fill in for you at jury duty (the duty, not the Pauly Shore film). Everyone needs a friend, even if he’s made of corrugated cardboard. Or two-dimensional.
Affiliate Shout-out: Today’s Gold Box and Lightning Deals on Amazon
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¹ Commentary, Political.
Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items. Images lead to the item’s page on Amazon.
Daniel J. Hogan is a geeky cartoonist and writer living in Michigan. Daniel is available for freelance writing and cartooning commissions (Contact Daniel). This post contains affiliate links, unless it doesn't.