Amazon Enigmas: Crazy Food for Crazy Times
Although the voices in my head tell me I need to work on my ALF dioramas every day too. But, I don’t always listen, and that means more time for food. Lucky for me, Amazon has all kinds
strangely bizarre unique food items for sale.
I take banana protection very seriously. There’s nothing worse than reaching into my backpack and finding a squishy banana. Nothing. Well, except maybe a miniature black hole (the space-time thingy, not the Disney film). Bruised, squishy bananas are a thing of the past now with a Banana Bunker. Yes, now you can throw all kinds of books, bricks, and brass knuckles in your backpack without fear of damaging your precious banana. FINALLY.
I’m busy. Stephanie is busy. Nigel the cat is busy.¹ We don’t always have the time to stir soup on the stove—or anywhere for that matter. Good thing the RoboStir fills the empty stirring void in my life. I just open my can of off-brand value tomato flavored liquid meal, pour, and let RoboStir do the work, while I teach Nigel how to play poker.
There are times I want the flavor of a hamburger, but I also want the cylindrical convenience of a hot dog. What to do? Get a Ham Dogger. Cram your meat in the Ham Dogger’s crevice and bingo: a ¼ pound hot dog-shaped hamburger. Save money on buns, and only buy the One True Bun–the hot dog bun.
NOTE: this CANNOT be used to make sausages. That is right out. Hot dog shaped hamburgers only.
60-lbs. of Provolone Cheese
Let’s say you have, oh, $849.53 laying around, and you just NEED 60 pounds of provolone cheese. It could happen. I’m sure for some folks, that’s a boring ol’ Tuesday. For those lucky ducks, they can order a 60-pound wheel of cheese through Amazon. Oh, and shipping is $177.45. Add it up, and you are getting this cheese for less than $18 a pound. That’s good, right? If you aren’t sold, here’s the cherry on top: according to the product page, this cheese is made from cow’s milk.
56 Cases of Canned Meat
If canned food is more your thing, how about 56 cases of canned meat? Priced to own at $6,720, you get over six thousand servings. Not even a dollar per serving–that’s smart shopping. Do you have room for 672 cans? You better, otherwise you might have a few extra to give out next Halloween. Choose from popular flavors like: Beef, Chicken, Ground Beef, Pork, and Turkey. Surprise yourself and get a mixed pallet. The best part? Free shipping! Take that, 60-pound wheel of cheese. Bonus best part: your cache of canned meat has a shelf-life of 15 years. That’s nearly four presidential elections worth of food (assuming the polar bears don’t rise up and take over).
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¹ Cats be sleepin’, y’all.
Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items. Images lead to the item’s page on Amazon.
Daniel J. Hogan is a geeky cartoonist and writer living in Michigan. Daniel is available for freelance writing and cartooning commissions (Contact Daniel). This post contains affiliate links, unless it doesn't.