6 Father’s Day Gifts for the Last Minute Shopper (Amazon Enigmas)
[dc]L[/dc]ook out, consumers: Father’s Day is nearly here, and you better have a gift. The Tie Industrial Complex depends on this holiday, as it is their Black Friday, so run to the nearest tie dealership and get this year’s model (the tie, not the Elvis Costello album). Granted, not every dad wants a tie for Father’s Day, as most consider a necktie a corporate noose, choking off their creativity and will to live.
At least that’s what my dad yells out in mid-night terror.
For the devoted children who wish to think outside the tie box, here are 6 last-minute Father’s Day gift ideas.
This Father’s Day, Set Phasers to GRILL
If dear old Dad is a fan of grilling meat out-of-doors, well check out this little number: The Grill Sergeant BBQ Apron. It holds condiments, beverage cans, gadgets, and gizmos (not the Mogwai). Camouflage sure comes in handy when grilling in a suburban back yard, and how. You may want to fill up Dad’s bandolier of beer cans after he’s done cooking though.
Share the Classics with Dad
I think this is what Michelangelo really intended. Image via Amazon.
If Dad is in need of extra culture, try this Pickup Truck Rear Window Graphic. Sure, it may not have the same message as the original piece (best showcased by this completely accurate jigsaw puzzle), but it’ll give Dad a chuckle or two, which is the best gift of all, right? He’ll be the most popular guy at the country club, I’m sure.
At least by the loading dock.
Give Dad Something to Howl About This Father’s Day
This is actually the plot of my next novel. It’s an allegory about the economy. Image via Amazon.
Dad needs to get dressed up from time to time (bail hearings, F Troop symposium, the day after his wedding anniversary), but he can’t always find his best shirt (or a clean shirt, AMIRIGHT). Dad can part with his trusty Dick Trickle t-shirt and go out on the town in this handsome Dragon Wolf Moon t-shirt. Crowds will part, traffic will stop, and the birds will stop flying in the presence of this shirt. It is magical.
What Every Dad Wants: 12 Classic Films by Andy Sidaris
I don’t think I need to make a joke here. Image via Amazon.
If Dad is a fan of the moving picture, why not get him this darling collection of 12(!) Andy Sidaris films? The title Girls, Guns and G-Strings pretty much tells you all you need to know of Sidaris’ oeuvre. If Dad likes his late-night action films heavy on bikinis and light on acting, this is the perfect gift.
The Andy Sidaris Collection includes: The Dallas Connection, Day of the Warrior, Do or Die, Enemy Gold, Fit to Kill, Guns, Hard Hunted, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Malibu Express, Picasso Trigger, Return to Savage Beach, and Savage Beach.
And at only $4.50, how can you not? Barely 38 cents per movie!
Give Dad a Silent Father’s Day
“Hm, yes. That beach IS savage.” Image via Amazon.
Now, if Dad wants to watch his 1203 minutes of Andy Sidaris films in solitude, consider this pair of Bose Quiet Comfort 15 Acoustic Noise Canceling Headphones. Because nothing compliments a $4.50 collection of films like a $299 pair of headphones. It is all about the experience—and when bikini-clad heroines are squeezing rounds off a UZI, Dad doesn’t want to hear the kids fighting, the dog barking, or Uncle Frank’s theory on why “The Man” is stealing his cabbages.¹
Bacon + Tie = Best Father’s Day Gift Ever
Fit to be…aw forget it. Image via Amazon.
What’s a Father’s Day gift guide without at least one tie? Never mind the earlier statement about a tie being a corporate noose—not when Dad can celebrate his love of bacon with this Bacon Tie.
There’s still time to get Dad a great-awesome-super gift, so don’t delay. Unless he forgot your last birthday and/or parole hearing, then fair’s fair.
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¹ It is an extensive, elaborate theory. More so when Uncle Frank has been into the sweet vermouth.
Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items. Images lead to the item’s page on Amazon.
