[dc]O[/dc]ne thing is apparent in Ocarina of Time: Link has no shortage of ladies in his life.
Seriously.
Ocarina of Time = Hyrule Speed Dating
I’m only a couple of hours into Ocarina of Time, and I have met Saria, Malon, and Zelda. How each of those relationships will play out, I must wait and see, but still. This reminds me of other RPGs of the 1990s, which threw plenty of female characters at the male lead (see: Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VII ).
Even Link’s fairy, Navi, is a lady².
I tell ya, Linkin’ ain’t easy.
As an adult¹, I notice this kind of stuff more than as a teen. Well. I notice it in a different way. I certainly noticed it as a teen too, but in a ‘why can’t I go outside and have random girls talk to me like that?’ sad bastard kinda way.
Granted, these characters, and Link himself, are just ‘kids’ in this part of the game. But, that didn’t stop Malon’s dad from asking me if I wanted to marry his daughter (he claimed to be joking, but reading the Game of Thrones series has taught me it is never too early to set up an arranged marriage).
“She has *huge* tracts of land.” Image © Nintendo
Heck, if I was Link, I would marry Malon.
I’m sure the Lon Lon Ranch does pretty well, as it seems it is the only supplier of milk and horses in Hyrule–and it has an exclusive milk contract with the Royal Family. Be realistic, Link. Going after a Princess is a waste of time, what with you being of common stock, and Zelda having her own personal assassin hanging around, and her constantly being princess-napped.
Meanwhile, Malon is a cute redhead with a lovely singing voice, and is heiress to a famous ranch with a lot of acreage. Do the math, pal. Play your cards right and the biggest challenge of your adult life will be deciding which village to buy.
He Sounds Like a Wuss
My cartwheeling Link into trees, Stalchidren, and crates, caught Stephanie‘s attention.
“What’s that noise?” she asked as Link let out another ‘Yah!’
“Link.”
“He sounds like a wuss.”
I Z-locked on a Stalchild and removed its head from its neck with a slash. “Well, he is a little kid in Ocarina of Time.”
“Why would a little kid want to save a princess?”
I picked off another foe with my slingshot. “Look, a talking tree told me, with its dying breath, that I had to help her.”
Stephanie shook her head. “You sure it wasn’t lying to you?”
“Why would the Deku Tree lie? It was dying!”
“Maybe it was just messing with you,” she said. And with a cartoon voice, she added, “I can’t believe he fell for it! What a dummy!”
Peahats and Stealth
Upon (finally) leaving Kokiri Village, not only was I greeted by Mr. Annoying Owl³, but by another Hyrule Lovecraftian horror: a Peahat.
Sweet Mother of Batman. That thing. Creepy as hell, and huge. Nothing I love more than a bizarre plant-abomination spinning through the air, trying to cut me in half with its razor-sharp leaves. It looks like something out of a cold-medicine-mixed-with-an-energy-drink induced hallucination. And I should know.
I enjoyed the ‘stealth mission’ portion of Ocarina of Time, as I had to break into Zelda’s castle and avoid the guards. It reminded me of Metal Gear Solid, but this time I couldn’t sneak up to a guard and snap its neck. If only. But sadly, Young Link is too short for such a maneuver.
Speaking of Metal Gear Solid, a slingshot is a poor replacement for a SOCOM or a FAMAS.
Next in Finally Finishing Ocarina of Time: Mount Doom Death Mountain, the Gorons, and more absurd observations.
Previously: Every Ocarina of Time post.
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¹ Finger quotes.
² The only time I recall seeing a male fairy in Legend of Zelda canon is an episode of The Legend of Zelda cartoons on the Super Mario Brothers Super Show.
³ Even though Kaepora Gaebora’s size would suggest the owl is female, it is referred to as a ‘he.’
