Clattertron

[dc]I[/dc] think the Lord Jabu-Jabu’s Belly level in Ocarina of Time is the strangest Legend of Zelda dungeon ever.

You go inside the belly of a whale-god-creature. While inside, you fight parasites and body parts, making the dungeon a sword and sorcery version of Fantastic Voyage (the movie, not the song), or if you prefer, Innerspace.

Home Sweet Starting Spot

One of my Ocarina of Time pet peeves is how the game doesn’t always start your saved game from where you stopped. If I have to start at Link’s house one more time, I’m gonna go crazy.¹ I’m playing the GameCube port of Ocarina of Time, but if I were playing the Wii Virtual Console version, I’m assuming I could pause and exit from wherever via the ‘save state’ feature.

Which would annoy Legend of Zelda purists, I’m sure. But seriously, having to haul ass across Death-Mountain’s-Half-Acre every time I start a session takes away a bunch of the fun. Other RPGs with specific save locations (Final Fantasy VII, EarthBound, and Li’l Abe Lincoln and the Log Cabin of Destiny) have spoiled me. I’m not single and living alone 18 any more, so I can’t play for five hours straight–I’m lucky if I can get a solid hour in these days, so every minute counts.

Knock Knock! Who’s There? Annoying Owl!

Yes, the owl in Ocarina of Time is annoying. However, where he is extremely annoying is the on the route to Zora’s Domain. I suffered through his lecture on how to reach the cave of fish people and happily moved on.

One problem: Every time I got near the owl again, by accident or on purpose (mostly the former), I would have to sit through the speech all over again.

After about five times, I was ready to scream. And then it happened a sixth time. The cat’s ears are still ringing.

Choose Your Own Metaphor

Zelda ain’t the only princess Link must save in Ocarina of Time. Ruto, the Zora princess, a fish-person-girl, is another. Where is Ruto trapped? Inside Lord Jabu-Jabu’s belly (the god-creature for the Zoras). Ruto says she has used Jabu-Jabu’s belly as a gastro-playground since she was little.

Uh. OK.

“See you later Dad!”

“Where are you going, Ruto?”

“To play in Lord Jabu-Jabu’s belly!”

“Have fun! Don’t track mud inside his mouth!”

Visually, the Jabu-Jabu dungeon is extremely interesting: the walls and floors are ‘alive’: They pulse, flex, and move. To recreate this effect at home, play the ‘Reality’ TV Bleeped Words Drinking Game with a fifth of cheap whiskey.

Then there are the parasites: long, freakish tendrils with minds of their own (Stock Joke: “Reminds me of my prom night!”²)

Yes, Link must kill parasites inside the whale-god-creature’s body to progress through the level. Good thing he finds a boomerang. Nope, no medicine needed here, just a boomerang. To butcher a quote from This is Spinal Tap: In the topsy-turvy world of [Hyrule], having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.

Ocarina of Time Love Connection: Ruto

Princess Ruto, now free of the dungeon, gives Link the glad eye. Big time. My guess she is only around Link’s age here (what, seven? Ten?), but that doesn’t stop her seduction (she also made Link carry her around the dungeon, so there’s that…).

Ruto (seductively) offers Link anything as a reward for her rescue, but all Link wants is her Spiritual Stone (not a metaphor. At least I hope not. This is a kids game). Ruto is happy to give the stone over, but there is one catch: Ruto’s mother told her to only give the stone the man she intended to marry. Hoo boy.

Link pays no mind to the talk of engagement, but Ruto cannot contain her excitement about being ‘engaged.’

For those keeping score: this is the second alleged marriage proposal Link has received, so far. The first was from Malon’s father, but he claimed the offer of his daughter’s hand was a joke (I feel otherwise).

Let’s see: Link isn’t even a teen and he has two marriage proposals in front of him. The first: the daughter of a horse ranch/milk farm owner. The second: the princess of a race of fish people with an indoor pool and no policy on the wearing of pants.

Both have their perks, I guess: owning a business and land versus joining a royal family and hanging around a pool all day, sans pants.

Either way, Link will probably get a decent dowry.

Next in Finally Finishing Ocarina of Time: Ocarina of Time Time!

Previously: Every Ocarina of Time post.

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1 Go? Let’s be honest. I have already have a time share on Lake Crazy.

² I’m sorry.