[dc]I[/dc] am the last person who should fill out an NCAA Basketball tournament bracket. I know next to nothing about basketball, and even less about college teams (insert joke about the Big Ten having 12-14 teams). Yet, each year, friends give in to the siren song of March Madness and ask me to fill out a tournament bracket–even though it is akin to asking a NASCAR fan to write a dissertation on the importance of right turns.
This year, the sucker friend in question was writer-pal Gavin. He tweeted an offer to join his March Madness pool (just for fun, cuz I ain’t payin’ for such a thing) and fill out a bracket. I figured, why not?
Bracket mastery.
After a good 13 seconds scanning the team names, ignoring all records and such, I went to work. I make my bracket picks using an elaborate, constantly evolving, multi-tiered system. Think of it as the Calvinball version of bracketology:
- Which mascot would win in a fight.
- If it is a human (or humanoid) mascot, I take into account any visible, or implied weapons, and add a ‘human intelligence’ modifier.
- Which team is ‘cooler,’ based on a sliding scale of coolness.
- If I am hungry, and filling out the bracket keeps me from eating.
- Any team mascot of an occult or magical background gets a boost, because, y’know magic.
- A ‘just because’ modifier so said team wins, because I don’t care about things like Records, Points, reputation, history of wins, etc.
- If my cat is looking at me or not. If he is, cat-themed mascots get a slight modifier.
I would love to have done a team by team, round by round breakdown of the tournament, but there are too many dang teams. I’ll get right to the good bits.
Midwest Bracket Champ
Saint Louis beats Duke, because friendly good luck imps are better than devils. If media has taught me anything, it is good magic beats evil magic (see: Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo).
West Bracket Champ
Ohio State beats the Southern University Jaguars, because the big cats kept getting pelted with buckeyes. And they choked on them too. Sure. Jaguars, being carnivores, cannot live on a diet of buckeyes.
South Bracket Champ
Akron knocks out Georgetown, because kangaroos are skilled boxers and I don’t know what the hell a Hoya is. If you don’t think kangaroos are deadly, then you need to watch Tank Girl.
East Bracket Champ
Miami knocks out Syracuse, because nature is a mother—AMIRIGHT. Syracuse ran away with the tournament in the early rounds, because I treated it like a chemical cloud of orange death. But, y’know what has its way with clouds of death? Hurricanes.
The Final Four Bracket
Saint Louis Billikens vs. Ohio State Buckeyes
Akron Zips vs. Miami Hurricanes
Saint Louis beats Ohio State, because buckeyes don’t have any chance against a magical creature. And maybe Billikens eat buckeyes? Someone has to, I suppose. As much as I love the Zips name, Akron falls to Miami. What the hell are kangaroos going to do against a freakin’ hurricane? Sure, they might get some higher jumps due to the wind, but those darling marsupials will just get tossed around. Which makes me kinda sad.
The NCAA Championship Game
Saint Louis Billikens vs. Miami Hurricanes
Saint Louis wins, because the Billikens have luck on their side, which can negate just about anything—even nature. Years of role-playing games hammer this fact home: a high luck stat can let you tackle huge odds, be it deranged wizards, alien overlords, or a squad of boys from Miami.
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