Clattertron

[dc]N[/dc]ews of Matt Smith leaving Doctor Who broke yesterday, and speculation about the next person to take up the Time Lord mantle began right away.

Rumors swirled the new incarnation of Doctor Who might break the recent mold and go with someone who is:

a) older

b) a woman

c) someone who isn’t a pasty white guy

d) any combination of the above.

Sure, there are the smart choices, such as Emma Thompson or Idris Elba, but what about the fun choices? The crazy choices? The so-out-of-left-field-your-brain-would-melt choices?

And that’s where my list comes in.

My 12 picks for the next Doctor Who.

12. Martin Freeman – This guy played every other character in British history, so why not cap it off with the Doctor?

11. Morgan Freeman – If you want a Freeman who can pull of the ‘older Doctor’ bit, Morgan is the ideal choice.

10. David Cross – Ideally, using his Mrs. Featherbottom persona from Arrested Development. The show could use a wacky injection, and Cross is just the guy.

9. Malcolm McDowell – If anyone could pull off the crazy old man Doctor, it is this guy. Plus, McDowell has experience playing a time traveler (Time After Time).

8. Glenn Danzig – Why not? Maybe what the show needs is a dash of METAL.

7. Kristen Schaal – I would love to hear her yelling for an hour about Cybermen and Daleks.

6. Prince – What the new season of Doctor Who needs is a healthy dose of funky. And wicked guitar solos.

5. Samuel L. Jackson – [insert ‘snakes on a TARDIS‘ joke]. It would be the first season of Doctor Who to require bleeping of curse words, but most TV shows have that already—why not this one?

4. Sir Ian McKellen in a Bacon Costume – Yes, walking talking bacon, but with the voice of Gandalf. A golden goose for the BBC, I’m sure.

3. A Bunch of Animated .GIFS – The key word here is, variety. One show it could be a .GIF of a baby duck falling asleep, the next it could be some hilarious faux pas from last week’s House of Lords meeting. The options are limitless, and it will help bring in the casual viewer, because who the hell cares about plot and characters anyway? Chalk it up to the Tumblrfication of television.

2. Edward James Olmos – He’s old, he’s grumpy, and he’s accustomed to misadventures in space with angry cyborgs. Speaking of grumpy…

1. Grumpy Cat – Sure, this would mean some extra work, but with the right voice actor and some creative shooting, it could be the greatest thing ever. Lil Bub will be the newest companion too. RATINGS GOLD.

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