Amazon Enigmas: Giant Gummi Bears, Gummi Worms, and Candy
[dc]W[/dc]hat is better than candy? GIANT candy. Everything is better when it is larger: pizza, glasses of beer, even gorillas. Here’s a list of giant candies I found on Amazon–because you need a five-pound gummy bear.
Giant Gummi Bears for Giant Times
Anything smaller is UNBEARABLE. OK, see ya. Image via Amazon.
When a regular sized gummi bear won’t do the trick, go for a giant five-pound gummy bear. Nibble it a little at a time, carve it like a Thanksgiving turkey, or use it for self-defense (get two and make bear-chucks). Kids bugging you for a pet and you want them to learn responsibility? Buy ’em a five-pound gummy bear and challenge them not to eat the dang thing. That’ll learn ’em.
Giant Gummi Worm = Nightmare Fuel
Doubles as a gummi whip. Image via Amazon.
If you prefer giant candy more on the scary side of the scale, consider the giant gummi worm. Tipping the scale at three pounds, the giant gummi worm looks like something out of Tremors, but at least it is candy. If only more candy animals existed, like, I dunno the platypus or the sea urchin.
Weapons Grade Pop Rocks
Pop! Pop! BOOM! Image via Amazon.
This giant box of Pop Rocks presents a riddle. What I don’t know is, if the box is giant, or the Pop Rocks candies inside are giant. One would hope it is the candy, and not just a big box. Either way, there will be a lot of popping going on when this giant candy arrives. There is probably some safety regulation keeping the Pop Rocks inside the normal size. I don’t want to think about what you could do with a pile of baseball sized Pop Rocks. Can of soda pop, giant or otherwise, sold separately.
Nerds!
Revenge of the Nerds is when you eat too many. Image via Amazon.
Like the giant Pop Rocks, I’m not certain if the Nerd candies are giant, or the just the box. Maybe I’ll apply for a research grant to solve this issue once and for all. THE PUBLIC NEEDS TO KNOW. There aren’t nearly enough Giant Candy Researchers in the world. I can see perks to either scenario though. If the box is giant, you can make it rain Nerds, a sight not witnessed since a balcony collapse at a political convention¹. Or, if the Nerds are giant, wear one on your shoulder like a parrot. Watch out for ants.
Get Ready for Giant Laughs (or Laffs?)
Happy anniversary! Image via Amazon.
Rounding out this menagerie of giant candies is the giant Laffy Taffy. All I know is: there better be jokes, and they better be GIANT. I’m talking banner sized jokes, people. If the taffy is indeed giant, perhaps it can be used as a handy tool, such as for patching up a car. Bumper keeps falling off? Slap on a chunk of giant Laffy Taffy. You may even be able to use the giant Laffy Taffy to tie someone up, or at least stick them to a couch. If so, I don’t wanna hear about it. Just send photos.
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¹ Political nerds are crazier than every other fandom combined.
Today’s Amazon Deals
Affiliate Plug: Giant Candy on Amazon
Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills (privacy policy and disclaimer). But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items. Images lead to the item’s page on Amazon.
