Clattertron

[dc]A[/dc]s I touched on at the end of last week’s SPACE recap, any time a group of folks go on a road trip and share a hotel room, stories are bound to happen.

My weekend at SPACE (the Small Press and Alternative Comics Expo) was no exception, as I spent plenty of quality time with fellow comickers Ryan Claytor, Jay Jacot, Jason Struz, and Matt Dye.

The Ride Down

Ryan picked me up at 4:30 AM on Saturday. Yes, AM. I think I went to bed around midnight, but woke up on my own at 2:30. The excitement (sure) kept me from sleeping too much.

An unexpected perk of getting on the road so early: I saw a coyote along the highway. At least, I think it was a coyote. It could have been a sleep-deprivation hallucination.

The next few hours were a blur as I drifted in and out of consciousness, all while annoying the rest of the car with my snoring (sorry). I woke up in time to witness the ceremonial passing of the Flag City U.S.A. water tanks, near…somewhere. They are massive structures, covered with American flags and bald eagles.

We took a break from the long haul at truck stop, complete with showers. Not that we used the showers, or the cologne machine in the bathroom, but they were available—as the overhead speakers reminded us.

An added bit of charm: the truck stop used a sound effect I used on my Magic of Eyri Podcast (the chime which indicated a scene change).

The Big Buck Hunter

The truck stop offered a couple of video games, but most importantly it featured the hunting game Big Buck Hunter. Jay and Ryan went head-to-head, felling moose and what-not.

Then, came the bonus round: duck hunting. Jay fired with the patience of an expert. Ryan, however, laughed maniacally and shot like a man possessed. Or rather, as I pointed out later, like the Joker with a shotgun. “We should probably leave,” I said. “The Subway sandwich artists look a bit concerned.”

Our thirst for Big Buck Hunter was not sated though. Later in the evening, after a much-earned post-SPACE dinner, Ryan and Jay wanted a rematch.

We figured any bar near the hotel had a 50/50 chance to offer Buck Hunter or Golden Tee.

“There’s a couple bars,” I said, pointing out the passenger side window. “Podunk’s and Fitzwilly’s. With names like that, one of them has to have Big Buck Hunter.”

“We’re going,” said Ryan, maneuvering his stick-shift wagon across the lanes in Burt Reynolds fashion.

Ryan, Jay, Matt,¹ and myself stood outside the bars: Podunk’s on the right, Fitzwilly’s on the left. Which one to choose?

Podunk’s won.²

Sometimes, Luck throws you a bone—but not the bone you wanted. This was the case with Podunk’s.

No Big Buck Hunter, sadly (they did have Golden Tee). BUT, pinball. Lots of pinball—and free. Yes, a wall of vintage pinball machines which were free to play.

Ryan, for those not in the know, is a huge pinball fan. He even owns four pinball machines (including Demolition Man).

We didn’t find Big Buck Hunter, but we found a treasure trove of pinball machines, which was even better–and we still got to watch Ryan act crazy (he’s a demon on the flippers).

Spires

If you want a thumbnail of the silly we took part in all weekend, here you go. Before approaching Columbus, Jay said: “Keep an eye out for all the church spires.”

“I hate spires,” said Jason. “They live in my basement and scare me.”

“Like in that movie with Jeff Daniels?” asked Jay.

“The one with the killer spires? Yeah,” said Jason. “Spirephobia.”

“I hate walking into spire-webs,” I added.

“What about Spire-Man?” asked Ryan.

“Yeah, the guy bitten by the radioactive spire,” I said.

“He goes around inspiring people,” said Jason.

“And his arch-enemy is Demotivation Man,” said Jay.

And so on.

See the Sights

A list of businesses of note during the trip I wrote down:

• Waterbeds ‘N’ Stuff (‘N’ Stuff covers a lot of territory.)

• The New Vamp (a clothing store which offered plenty of clubbing clothes.)

• Sirens (a strip club across the street from The New Vamp. How convenient.)

• Step Lively (a doctor specializing in feet.)

• Mothercluckers (a chicken wing delivery place. I spotted a flier in the hotel lobby.)

Speaking of strip clubs (no, we didn’t go to one), Ryan and Jay were aghast to see a shutdown club near the hotel was now a restaurant.

“Don’t ever eat there,” Ryan said with a visual and audible cringe.

Noted.

Fix-It Jay

Jay, being a man of many talents, is a handy fellow to have around—especially if you are Ryan. “Jay, fix it,” was a common refrain in our shared hotel room. Ryan couldn’t get his iPhone to work with his Square Reader.

“Jay, fix it,” Ryan said, handing Jay his iPhone…with his foot. Yes, his foot.

The next morning, I went to take a shower, but a lack of hot water killed such an idea.

“There’s no hot water,” I told the guys. Ryan called the front desk, while Jay went to inspect the shower.

No sooner than Ryan had hung up when a cheery, “I fixed it,” came from the bathroom.

“How?” I said. “I couldn’t get a drop of hot water, no matter which way I turned.”

“The builders put the handle on wrong,” Jay said. “I just twisted it until it worked.”

The moral of the story is, if you go to a convention (or anywhere, really), make sure Jay Jacot is with you.

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1 Jason joined some other friends for the night.

2 We went to Fitzwilly’s, briefly, after Podunk’s. They only had Golden Tee.