Clattertron

[dc]L[/dc]ike most folks, I wait until the last-minute to buy Christmas gifts.

Look, there are entire seasons of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine I still need to watch on Netflix, and that takes priority (Sisko still has hair!).

Good thing I can count on Amazon for unique, last-minute, expensive ham-fisted attempts to buy someone’s love Christmas gifts.

Take this ‘life-sized’ Bigfoot and/or Yeti statue. For a mere $2250, this charming hominid can keep a loved one company at home, work, or in the buried school bus they use as a bunker. While this statue might keep some of the neighborhood brats away, it might attract camera crews and guys in Gone Squatchin’ t-shirts.

Speaking of statues, why stop with a Yeti and/or Bigfoot for a Christmas gift, when you can also buy an effigy of the Egyptian god Anubis? Yessir, for $1250, the jackal-headed god will put a neighbor’s stone geese to shame. Or at least prepare them for the Afterlife (organ jars not included). Plus, he’ll look very handsome under any Christmas tree, what with that ‘museum mount’ and all. Heck, think of all the tinsel you can hang on that scepter.

Uh. Moving on.

Let’s say you want a bit of glittery jewelry for that special someone, and you missed the past six or seven Christmas gift go’rounds. This is your chance to make amends. How about a 22k. Gold copy of The One Ring from Lord of the Rings? It even has the famous Black Speech inscription (my Black Speech is pretty rusty, so I’ll just take their word for it). Yours for just over $3000. Invisibility and dominion over the race of Men not guaranteed. Known to attract short people with hairy feet.

Do you have a rock and/or roller in your family? Or, does one of your foils have a young child? Then here is the perfect Christmas gift, a Gibson Double-Neck guitar. Make somebody’s Christmas go to eleven with this baby, only $6500, which is actually 29% off the normal price of $9174. That’s smart shopping, right there. This could help someone finally write that wicked rock ballad about meeting/loving/or losing a girl/guy/okapi. Or it can hold up twice as many jackets as a normal guitar.

Enough with statues of deities, rings of power, and educational Christmas gifts like a life-size Yeti or a double-neck guitar. Now, it’s time for some fun, and yes, games.

How about a Rolling Stones pinball machine? At $8200, how could you not? It features a Moving Mick Target, people! Given that Mick Jagger is as ageless as Santa Claus, the Christmas spirit oozes out of every inch of his being. If this pinball machine doesn’t play the Start Me Up guitar riff when you insert a quarter, I will be VERY disappointed. Just don’t talk about Mick Taylor around the machine, because it causes a ’tilt’ error for some reason.

Finally, here is the Christmas gift to end all Christmas gifts: a NAMCO Tank! Tank! Tank! (…yer welcome?) Motion Cabinet. Yes. A full-sized two-player arcade cabinet, and it’s a steal at $24780.95 (13% off!)–and it has free shipping! This will buy you all kinds of love come Christmas morning, I’m sure. Never mind what the holiday is suppose to be about—from here on out, it is all about hot tank-on-tank action. Buy two sets (for only 50 grand) and have some intense four-player battles right in the living room.

Heck, start-up an arcade in the garage and have this sweet baby pay for itself. At a dollar a play, you just need 25 thousand plays. Boom. Economics—wait–more like Tankonomics.

Today’s Amazon Deals and ThinkGeek Deals
Affiliate Plug: Audible – Download Sci-Fi & Fantasy audiobooks to your iPod or mp3 player for only $7.49!–
Clattertron takes part in the Amazon Affiliate program to help pay the bills. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Amazon Enigmas puts a humorous spotlight on some of the site’s more quirky items. Images lead to the item’s page on Amazon.