The Best Best Man Gift Ever: A Viking Drinking Horn
[dc]W[/dc]edding party gifts (including best man gifts) are usually one of two extremes: Amazing or junk drawer fodder.
When picking a gift for your best man, or any member of a wedding party, it is best to think it through first. Why? A proper gift should have meaning. Sure, you can get an engraved cheese knife at the mall, but what kind of message are you sending? “Think about me every time you cut the cheese”?
Terrible.
Or a combination compass/knife with the date of the wedding engraved on the side? “If you are ever lost in the woods and/or need to stab something, take comfort in having a reminder of our wedding date while avoiding a bear/feral swine/Ted Nugent.”
And that letter opener with the best man’s initials engraved on the hilt? “For after the digital apocalypse, when text messages and emails no longer work. And make sure not to murder someone with this, because it has your initials. You don’t want someone getting all Murder, She Wrote up in your business.”
Just keep walking past the Crap Engraved store at the mall when you are picking out a best man gift, or any wedding party gift.
Do something different, something out there.
A Most Triumphant Best Man Gift
Something like the best man gift I received from my friend Erik. [see before: My Prince Lyrics/Rickroll Best Man Speech]
Hey, honk if yer…uh…never mind. Photo by me.
At first, I thought it was a replica of The Horn of Gondor, which would have been acceptable. Upon continued study, I learned, much to my joy, it was a viking-style drinking horn.
Via Erik: “It is an authentic drinking horn, made in France from an actual cow. The inside is lined with beeswax, so you can drink beer or wine from it.”
I’ll just take their word for it. Photo by me.
Rules
Like a mogwai, the drinking horn has a set of rules:
- No liquor
- No hot beverages
- No pop (aka ‘soda’ for you non-Michigremlins¹)
Similar to the effect five minutes of Big Bang Theory has on my sanity,² the above fluids can corrode the beeswax lining, which would make the horn useless, and lead to a mega bummer.
Denim and Leather
Better still, my best man gift was not just the horn. No. It came with a belt holster, so I can carry the drinking horn around with me at the next feast, funeral, or ballet.
Again, from Erik: “The holster is made of vegan leather, which is weird, because the horn is obviously not vegan.”
I am considering wearing the belt holster and horn at my wedding reception. What the future Mrs. J. Hogan will think of this idea, I cannot say.
Drinking Horn Logistics
The horn held about six ounces, give or take, so it is a far cry from the cavernous gullet of a German drinking boot.
Drink now, from The Horn of Ages. Photo by me.
But, what the viking drinking horn lacks in capacity, it makes up with style.
I mean, look at it.
Finally, something to match my purple cloak. Photo by me.
Like with the German drinking boot, caution is important. If I drank with the horn at a certain angle, I could hear the tell-tale gurgle of an air bubble. Not good. A few face splashes, and one beer soaked cat later, I had it all figured out.
The only snag: if you don’t wear the holster, you cannot set the drinking horn down.
But, I lifehacked the Hell out of that problem: I just wedged the horn between two couch cushions. However, this solution only works until:
a) the cat jumps on the couch.
or
b) Stephanie comes home.
Both of which result in plenty of yelling.
The Best Best Man Gift Ever
My viking drinking horn was a mighty gift. Unlike a monogrammed golf tee cozy or embossed toothbrush case, I will cherish the horn for the rest of my days, and see it passed down through my line.
And most importantly, I finally have a proper vessel to use while reading The Longships or listening to Nightfall in Middle Earth by Blind Guardian.
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¹ I’m tired of the Michigander v. Michiganian demonym battle, so I’m going to start using my own. Another favorite: Michigozer. Or Michigoonie.
² Just because I’m a fan of Star Wars and comic books doesn’t mean I have to like Big Bang Theory. That’s like assuming everyone who has a robot daughter loves Small Wonder. Cousin Arty can’t stand that show. Sure, his robot daughter is just a blender with a wig and googly eyes, but that’s besides the point.
