Amazon Enigmas: Dog Carriers

by on January 16, 2013 at 12:01 am
Posted In: Amazon Enigmas, Blog, Humor

[dc]A[/dc] classy dog deserves a classy dog carrier. As the saying goes, dogs are Man’s best friend. True enough (although whisky is a close second).

As such, a best friend deserves to be carried around in style. History is full of examples: Master astride the shoulders of Blaster, C-3PO enjoying the comfort of Chewbacca’s fuzzy back, and the 2003-2004 Calgary Flames supported by an Atlas-like Miikka Kiprusoff.

Man’s best friend deserves nothing but the best. Thankfully, Amazon has several options for classy dog carriers (images link to product pages on Amazon).

expensive fancy dog carrier

“Has the poor tried *not* being poor?” mused Countess Fluffy. Image via Amazon and © original source.

Behold the Susan Lanci angora Leopard faux fur dog carrier (deep breath). For only $769.00 (plus $12.49 shipping?!), your darling pooch can join you on the balcony as you laugh at the poor. I mean…go out for a latte. Sure. Never mind this ‘dog carrier’ costs more than my monthly rent, student loan payment, and utility bills COMBINED.
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The Best Best Man Gift Ever: A Viking Drinking Horn

by on January 15, 2013 at 12:01 am
Posted In: Blog, Humor

[dc]W[/dc]edding party gifts (including best man gifts) are usually one of two extremes: Amazing or junk drawer fodder.

When picking a gift for your best man, or any member of a wedding party, it is best to think it through first. Why? A proper gift should have meaning. Sure, you can get an engraved cheese knife at the mall, but what kind of message are you sending? “Think about me every time you cut the cheese”?

Terrible.

Or a combination compass/knife with the date of the wedding engraved on the side? “If you are ever lost in the woods and/or need to stab something, take comfort in having a reminder of our wedding date while avoiding a bear/feral swine/Ted Nugent.”

And that letter opener with the best man’s initials engraved on the hilt? “For after the digital apocalypse, when text messages and emails no longer work. And make sure not to murder someone with this, because it has your initials. You don’t want someone getting all Murder, She Wrote up in your business.”

Just keep walking past the Crap Engraved store at the mall when you are picking out a best man gift, or any wedding party gift.

Do something different, something out there.

A Most Triumphant Best Man Gift

Something like the best man gift I received from my friend Erik. [see before: My Prince Lyrics/Rickroll Best Man Speech]

best man gift drinking horn

Hey, honk if yer…uh…never mind. Photo by me.

At first, I thought it was a replica of The Horn of Gondor, which would have been acceptable. Upon continued study, I learned, much to my joy, it was a viking-style drinking horn.

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Wedding Planning Adventures: The Bridal Show

by on January 9, 2013 at 12:01 am
Posted In: Blog, Humor
Assortment of Dolls at a Flea Market in White Cloud, Kansas near Troy...09/1974

Image via The Commons on Flickr.

[dc]T[/dc]here is a circle of Hell where the tormented plan weddings for all eternity.

Sure, I’m exaggerating, but planning a wedding makes most folks want to cut out their own heart with a rubber ducky—myself included.

Bridal Show: Beyond Thunderdome

There was a bridal show downtown last weekend, and Stephanie wanted to go. Being a good sport, I tagged along.

“You sure you are ready for this?” Stephanie asked.

“I’m a veteran of many comicons and fandom conventions,” I said. “Nothing scares me anymore. I can handle a mere bridal show.”

After three seconds inside the bridal show, I ate those words.

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Ocarina of Time, Pt 2: Ladies Love Cool Link

by on January 8, 2013 at 12:01 am
Posted In: Blog, Humor

[dc]O[/dc]ne thing is apparent in Ocarina of Time: Link has no shortage of ladies in his life.

Seriously.

Ocarina of Time = Hyrule Speed Dating

I’m only a couple of hours into Ocarina of Time, and I have met Saria, Malon, and Zelda. How each of those relationships will play out, I must wait and see, but still. This reminds me of other RPGs of the 1990s, which threw plenty of female characters at the male lead (see: Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VII ).

Even Link’s fairy, Navi, is a lady².

I tell ya, Linkin’ ain’t easy.

As an adult¹, I notice this kind of stuff more than as a teen. Well. I notice it in a different way. I certainly noticed it as a teen too, but in a ‘why can’t I go outside and have random girls talk to me like that?’ sad bastard kinda way.

Granted, these characters, and Link himself, are just ‘kids’ in this part of the game. But, that didn’t stop Malon’s dad from asking me if I wanted to marry his daughter (he claimed to be joking, but reading the Game of Thrones series has taught me it is never too early to set up an arranged marriage).

ocarina of time marry malon

“She has *huge* tracts of land.” Image © Nintendo

Heck, if I was Link, I would marry Malon.

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