I’m a cartoonist who lives in Lansing, Michigan. Visit my shop to buy original art and more. Follow me on Instagram, @danieljhoganart.
[dc]B[/dc]ob Seger has a song about feeling like a number (kids, ask your parents or older parole officers).
I guess any rank is better than No Rank.
He also has a song about turning pages, and another, perhaps most appropriately, about beautiful losers. This all ties in (sure) to how I felt about Amazon’s latest release, the Amazon Author Rank.
[dc]A[/dc]s Halloween nears, pet owners have an important question to ask: how much do they want to embarrass their beloved pets?
Answer: A lot.
Warning: causes a dog to test invisible fences for a weakness. THEY REMEMBER. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.
Pet parents wishing to costume their furry charges are in luck—Amazon has plenty of outfits, much of which fall under one category: Nightmare Fuel.
Yes, as the above photo suggests, it is possible to dress your dog up as some deranged dog-raptor chimaera, like something out of a Dali fever dream. Still, at least your dearest doggie will look better than the special effects in Carnosaur.
Then there are the ‘saddle and rider’ models. Strap a tiny saddle to the back of your four legged companion for hours of concerned stares and hushed voices by your neighbors. Get some snacks ready, because you will have people stopping by just to ask, “Is everything OK?” in no time at all.
From a lost episode of David the Gnome. Photo leads to item page on Amazon. Image © original source.
[dc]V[/dc]ideo games are great at distracting one from life’s crouch punches: emotional demons, paranormal infestations, Badger Foot, or the current NHL lockout.
UPDATE: Thanks to Puck Daddy for the link love in Puck Headlines.
Photo by Alvimann on morguefile.com.
There are plenty of NHL video games out there, but several have fallen by the wayside and deserve a return to the spotlight. What else are you going to do? Write Mighty Ducks fan fiction? C’mon.
Adam Oates’ Pass Master Pro – Relive the career of one of the greatest passers to ever play the game, by only passing to other players. That’s right, you can’t shoot, but you can pass—and how! Set up as many Brett Hull goals as you can in a single game!
Sim Hockey Hall of Fame – Who gets the call? You make the picks about each year’s class—but, you have to keep the fans Approval rating up, or you lose. Will you go for the easy picks, be super-strict, or take a chance on someone like Paul Henderson?
Tkachuk Fu – Blessed with kung fu powers after donning an enchanted tuque, Keith Tkachuk goes on a quest to save a young fan from the undead wizard, Bett-Ma’n.
Shane Doan: Chaos in the Sandy City – Not unlike Tkachuk Fu, Shane Doan: Chaos in the Sandy City features another intrepid NHLer on a quest. Shane Doan is on his way to a charity hockey game when his teammates get kidnapped. Use magical pucks to burn, freeze, or electrocute bad guys.
Yanic Perreault’s Face Off Challenge – Face offs, face offs, and more face offs. Master the art of the draw, over and over again. No shooting, no passing, no scoring. Just face offs. Lots of face offs, in all 256 colors of the rainbow.
Glow Puck Hunt – Shoot glowing pucks as they zip across the ice. But don’t hit the players!
Lanny McDonald’s Mustache Rancher – Be the first to grow the fieriest mustache–and train it to play hockey, against other mustaches.
Sudden Death: The Video Game– You play as The Fire Marshal in this first-person, interactive, point and click adventure. Savor the 16-bit graphic static screens and repetitive music. Gather clues as you spend hours and hours exploring the Civic Arena. Solve mind-bending puzzles and flip switches to open doors, which lead to more doors, puzzles, and switches. Rated NAW for No-Action-Whatsoever.
Jaromir Jagr Anagram Adventures – Have fun forming anagrams with ‘Mario Jr!’ Also check out, Jaromir Jagr’s Tax Blaster.
RinkBound – A pee-wee hockey player with psychic powers travels from rink to rink fighting aliens and zombies, in a quest to find out who has the best hot dogs. Or save the world. I don’t remember. I can never get past the first rink.
Turco: Dinosaur Hunter – Marty Turco is on the hunt for dinosaurs, and no, not the starting line-up for the 2001-2002 Detroit Red Wings.
The Secret of Manny Legace – Playing behind Nicklas Lidstrom, for one.
Mascots Ate My Neighbors – A batch of tainted beer causes NHL mascots to go bonkers and eat people. It is up to Craig MacTavish, sans helmet, to teach these fluffy fiends a thing or two.
and ThinkGeek Deals[dc]I[/dc] started a new segment on Clattertron this week: Amazon Enigmas.
Exhibit A. Photo leads to the item page on Amazon. Image © original source.
The focus is shining a humorous spotlight on some of Amazon’s quirky items. The credit for this idea goes to Stephanie, who suggested it to me while I surfed the site.
I had just joined the Amazon Affiliate Program. In a nutshell, if someone follows a link to amazon.com from clattertron.com, and makes a purchase, I get a percentage. I don’t expect to be putting the down payment on a private island anytime soon, but every little bit helps (especially when it comes to planning a wedding).
So far, I have already made a few bucks, and without doing much beyond putting an affiliate link at the bottom of each post. I was chatting with this about Stephanie and she said¹, “Just find something weird and write about it.²”
I liked this idea. I wanted to do something to have more Amazon links, but I didn’t want to write, “Hey, buy this TV. It’s a TV. And you should buy it. And buy one for all your friends. KTHXBAI.”
Going this route allows me to have a bit of fun. I also see it as a good writing challenge: I have to write a humor post based on random items I find on Amazon. To borrow some zoological vernacular, talk about an enrichment exercise.
Do I feel dirty/slimy/sell-outy by doing this? No. I write freelance, so I am accustomed to being paid to write. I don’t see it as any different than being hired to ghost write copy for another website (which I have done, several times).
I already have an idea for my next Amazon Enigmas post: pet costumes. Oh man. (Update: here it is)
and ThinkGeek Deals² Case in point. Real-life Stephanie would tell you she NEVER ends sentences with a preposition.
